Letter to my husband

To my beloved,

Hon, I miss you so much. I am trying to remember how it was to have you by my side — I was happy, I was at peace, I was content.

I am having a hard time remembering the peace and happiness I had when you were still here. I can’t remember the last time I felt true joy and peace. Every day since you’ve been gone is such a struggle. I force myself to work, to plan, to achieve something no matter how trivial, but it is just so tiring.

Sometimes, I feel a bit better, and I can almost feel a glimmer of hope that someday, I can feel alive again.

Most of the time, I just go with the flow. Most days, I feel so trapped. I feel like I have no choice but to breathe, to eat, to work.

I feel sick every day. My soul must be so weak that my physical body feels the pain. Sometimes, I feel like dying, I imagine that this is how you must have felt those last few days.

There is no day that I’m not scared. When I wake up in the morning, I am so scared to face the day alone. I’m scared to make decisions on my own. I’m scared to leave the house by myself. I’m scared to face people. I’m scared that I will feel the same panic and anxiety, which have been my constant companion since you’ve been gone.

I am scared to go to bed at night, because the bed feels so empty. I’m scared of sleepless nights. When did it become so hard to fall asleep? I’m scared to remember the times we slept together in each other’s arms. I’m so scared of missing you that it will hurt so much all over again.

I’m so scared to dream of you, because I will miss you some more when I wake up, and for this, I always pray for a dreamless sleep. I’m so scared to wake up in the middle of the night and realize you’re gone forever.

I’m so scared to think that this is all there is to life. We grow up preparing for a bright future, we work hard, we struggle, and when “life” finally begins, it’s snapped out of our grasp just like that, without any warning.

I’m so scared that I might forget you someday, and I’m afraid that you will also soon forget me. I’m so scared of so many things, Hon, and I am battling them all alone, on my own.

How I wish you were still here. It is breaking my heart to remember the good times gone, knowing that I will never get to experience them again with you, and it is killing me to think of a future without you.

I will never see you again. That is the cold, definite truth. Not in this lifetime anyway. And this shatters my heart into million pieces.

You, my husband, my other half, my partner, the love of my life, I will never ever see you again. I will never hold your hand again, and I’ll never feel your hands on mine ever again. It is final, it is definite, and no amount of money or effort or even prayer can change that fact. Oh, how that hurts, hon. It sure hurts so much.

How can life be so cruel to us?

 

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