This Christmas

I still can’t believe that I’ll be spending this Christmas without you. I have pushed this thought at the farthest and darkest corner of my mind for as long as I can, but as Christmas draws near, I find it harder and harder to postpone not thinking about it. In a few days, I will have to face it, and the thought is just as devastating as spending our anniversary without you.

It is not that I have been one of those whose most favorite holiday is Christmas. To be honest, before I met you, it did not mean that much to me, because I learned that it was not really the exact day the Christ was born. It was just another excuse to shop and spend, and I was more excited about the long break rather than the holiday itself.

But you made this day extra special for us. Our days leading to Christmas Day have always been filled with the excitement of buying gifts for our family and friends, planning where to spend the holidays, scheming to secretly prepare our gifts for each other, and preparing lots of food. I was always excited about the food. I would spend hours planning and researching about the food I will prepare. Last Christmas of 2015, I baked cakes and cookies and cooked your favorites.

 This morning, as the previous mornings, it dawned on me that I will never spend Christmas with you again. No words can explain how devastating  that is for me. My mind is having a hard time understanding that idea and my heart cannot grasp that fact. All the optimism I have gained these last few days, which I hoped will tide me over until the holidays, disappeared in thin air as the holidays are fast approaching.

I kept thinking it is just one day. No matter how I’ll feel, the sun will surely set and that day will end. It is just another day gone that I’ll spend without you. But I have been spending so many days without you.

The fact is I will be spending all my Christmases without you.

Where are you? What are you doing? How are you feeling?

Have you asked HIM the questions I requested you to ask? Did HE answer my questions?

Can you still remember me? Are you drunk in pure bliss up there that you have forgotten about me?

I can’t seem to remember my life when you were still here, but I can’t forget either, if that is even possible.

I miss our life together.

I miss our boring but happy routine.

I miss you.

I miss my old self with you.

I miss us.

I’m tired of waiting for the sun to set every day so that another day has passed. They say time heals all wounds, but I am so tired of waiting for that time to come. It has been two months but the grief is just as fresh as that Saturday morning your heart stopped beating.

Why did you have to leave me so soon? Whoever gave you the idea that I am brave enough to endure it?

No matter how I convince myself of a better tomorrow, it has never come, and I’m running short on energy, courage, hope and optimism. It is becoming more tempting to embrace this misery and be drowned by it. I am so tired of fighting the sadness and emptiness of my existence without you.

What I would give just to have one more Christmas with you again.


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