I recently bought a mass card for someone very special to me and to the husband. The poem at the back of the mass card so aptly describes how one feels about the passing of a loved one. Here it goes:
This is quite true. I have not thought of anything else since my husband died; every thought has been connected to him.
I have spoken his name for a gazillion times. I whisper his name in the air whenever I feel so lonely and alone. I call out to him at times when I get so frustrated and lost.
I try to recall how it was when life was still “normal.” I have equated normalcy with the life I led when he was still alive.
Now, he’s gone, and I’m so lost. I try not to dwell on my grief, but grief finds its way in every thought and feeling I have.
Pictures, I have lots of them. I’m glad we took lots and lots of pictures. I still cannot look at them without crying. I try to remember the happy memories, but the same happy memories we had in the past now bring me so much sadness.
The realization that never again will I go to these places or experience these adventures in the company of my husband reduces me to tears.
Everything feels so definite and final, and I cannot do anything about it. I may not be someone who is aggressively assertive, but I can give a good fight anytime for something I really want. I really want my life back when my husband was still alive, but his presence is integral to that kind of life. Without him, I’m left with nothing but this shell of a person.
They say, someday, life will get better. How can it get better without him? I think life itself will not get better, but I will become better equipped to deal with it.