Today, I purposely walked below the balcony of our tiny home and looked up. Part of my mentally deranged mind probably hoped to see you at the balcony waiting for me.
Do you remember the countless times I stood there waiving at you as you walked away towards the parking area?
When you were still an employee of the law firm where we both started our law career but after I resigned to be your “full-time wife,” you would kiss me goodbye before closing the door when you leave for work in the morning. Upon closing the door, I could hear the elevator ping, signalling that it stopped at our floor. I would then run to the balcony to see you off because I was sure you would look up at our unit. I did not want you to look up and not find me there.
Whatever I was doing, I would drop everything and just run to the balcony to see you off. I would wave at you, throw kisses at you (I know, we’re corny and cheesy), and stay until I can no longer see your retreating back. This I conscientiously did throughout our time together, and so I am sure that there was not one instance you looked up and did not find me there.
I’m glad I did that. I’m glad you never had to look up and find an empty balcony.
But have you noticed, my love? It has always been you saying goodbye. There was never a chance that I was the one leaving and you were the one watching my retreating back.
On Friday night, the last time I saw you awake, I told you that I had to leave the ICU. It was already beyond the allowed visiting hours.
I told you I will be praying inside the hospital chapel and that I will see you again in few hours. You slightly nodded. As I left your room, I saw you watching me leave. I saw you follow me with your eyes until I reached the door of your room and the ICU.
That made me cry again for the nth time during our 3-day ordeal at the hospital. I did not know then that you were saying goodbye for the last time… forever. Your look haunts me still. Your eyes were sad, which I interpreted that time as owing to the pain you were feeling. Now I know that was your goodbye. Have I known, I should have ran back to you and hugged and kissed you and never let go.